10. Irish Car Bomb
You thought this one was invented in Ireland? Yeah, by a leprechaun who
needed something to pour over his Lucky Charms. In fact, this
often-spilled, rather insensitive homage to the Emerald Isle’s Troubles
was first concocted at Wilson’s Saloon in St. Norwich, Connecticut on
St. Patrick’s Day, 1979. Only our most industrious country could produce
minds bright enough to think “Hey, I can get drunk twice as fast if I
just drop my shot right into my beer!” For the uninformed, a Car Bomb is
equal parts Jameson Whiskey and Bailey’s Irish Cream, poured into a
shot glass. Then you drop the shot into a pint of Guinness and chug the
whole thing. Brilliant!
Honorable mentions: Sake bomb (pretty sure
they don’t do this in Tokyo), and the Russian Boilermaker (surprise —
not from Moscow).
(Photo: Penguin Bush)
9. Long Island Iced Tea
so deceptively refreshing, doesn’t it? Only the most ridiculous place
in all of America could loan its name to a drink that basically involves
pouring everything behind the bar into one glass. For the record, a
traditional Long Island is made from vodka, gin, tequila, rum, triple
sec, sour mix and just a splash of cola. It tastes surprisingly
un-revolting and (less surprisingly) makes you do some pretty stupid
things after drinking it.
8. Venti Double Chocolate Chip Frappuccino
not dessert! It’s coffee! Riiiiight. Only Starbucks could convince the
skinny jean wearing, yogalates practicing, yuppie women of America that
it’s OK to buy a drink that has more calories than a bucket of lard. But
if it’s served in a cup, it doesn’t count as food.
(Photo: Shiok or Not)
7. The Bacontini
there’s one thing we Yanks do well, it’s obsession. And anyone who’s
every met one of us can tell you there are two things we can’t stop
talking about: getting effed up, and bacon. So it was only a matter of
time before we combined our two loves into one outrageous, trend-ending
drink. The bacontini, now appearing on every blog, and soon enough, every bar across the USA.
6. Exercise Beer
what to do the morning after you wake up and realize you’ve consumed
nine shots of vodka and half-a-pound of bacon? Obviously, that’s when
you switch over to exercise beer. The latest trend in American brews is
super-low calorie beers like MGD 64, Select 55, and Michelob Ultra,
which is my favorite because the ads for it actually show people
drinking beer and then exercising. Finally, a way to get wasted every
night and still lose weight, because you wouldn’t want to do something
as drastic as, say, drink a little less beer.
5. Pepsi Max
of our beer consumption, if you’ve ever wondered why American dudes
insist on drinking the hoppy stuff so consistently, it’s because our
non-alcoholic beverage options are so limited. Drinking soda will make
you fat, and drinking diet soda, of course, will make you gay. Thank god
the considerate folks over at Pepsi were wise enough to invent Pepsi Max,
a sugar-free soda made just for males. I wouldn’t be caught dead
drinking Diet Pepsi (how embarrassing!) But a new version of Diet Pepsi
with twice as much caffeine, Xtreme packaging, and commercials where dudes get hit in the nuts? Sign me up!
stupid drinks aren’t just for dudes. We’ve got the 1980′s to thank for
this one. Well, them and Minneapolis bartender Neal Murray, who realized
there were plenty of gals (and sure, some guys) who wanted to look like
they were drinking something suave, but didn’t want it to actually
taste like a drink. And thus the birth of the candy-in-a-cup cocktail,
and the reason why in half the bars you walk into nowadays, you can
barely find anything on the mixed drink list that doesn’t start with
something stupid and end in -tini. It’s all based on the idea that if
you make the drink look pretty, people will pay you twice as much for
it, which works out well for you, because it’s got half as much alcohol
and twice as much fake candy flavor. Genius. Also, horrible.
3. Jell-O Shots
of course there’s the drink designed for those for thought the
Cosmopolitan was too sophisticated, too natural looking, and didn’t
taste enough like candy. We suggest red, white and blue Jell-O shots
this Independence Day.
(Photo: Forty Photographs)
2. Bottled Tap Water
OK, fine, the French may have been bottling their water to wash down their Turduckens
for centuries, but at least they claim their shit is from magical
springs or whatnot. Only in America could you turn something that falls
from the sky on a regular basis into an $8-billion-a-year-industry. The
best example has got to be the entrepreneur who recently thought to bottle New York City’s acclaimed tap water, and sell it in stores….in New York. Seriously, people?
What do you get when you mix sugar, phosphoric acid, coca leaf, kola nut, caffeine, caramel color, glycerin
and some other flavors so much grosser than that they have to remain
“secret?” Why, the most popular drink in the history of the country of
course! Pretty crazy that this is something we put in our bodies rather
than use to clean rust off our cars. Oh wait, it can do that, too. Yum.